Embracing Your Femininity

    

Dear Intentional Reader,


Before you start reading, pause for a moment and breathe.

Focus on exhaling.

Breathe in.

Hold for six seconds.

Now breathe out.

This post is for women—especially African women. That breathing exercise wasn’t random; it was intentional, meant to help you release stress, soften your body, and return to calm.


This piece was inspired by conversations I’ve had with a couple of female friends, as well as recurring discussions I see online. I’ve heard men — and even women say that African women are “too hard,” “too aggre$$ive,” or “not feminine enough.”

Let's talk about why that is so from my perspective.


Disclaimer: While reading, remember this doesn't apply to every African woman, nor is it the reality in every African home. I am coming from the angle of women whose "h@rd girl" behavior was shaped or influenced by these experiences growing up.


From childhood, the typical African girl child is often unintentionally raised with survival instincts that later show up as masculinity. This may come from an absent father, or a present one who shows little to no affection. In many homes, emotional expression isn’t encouraged — strength is.


I strongly believe many of our adult behaviors form in childhood. We were taught how to behave, directly or indirectly, through observation, instruction, or simply out of necessity. We watched our mothers endure, hustle, and suppress emotions to keep families running... And we learned!


This girl child grows up and starts dating. She may end up with a man who wasn't taught to lead emotionally, or one who doesn’t create a safe space for vulnerability. Over time, she learns that softness is risky... So she toughens up!

She learns to speak louder, argue harder, and protect her feelings fiercely, because her being gentle has been misunderstood.

Many women are labeled “unfeminine” not because they lack femininity, but because they were never given the safety required to express it.

In many African households, girls are introduced to hustle culture early. Once you reach a certain age, you're expected to fend for yourself, and for your family, too.
Independence, ambition, and financial responsibility aren't wrong. But when a female child is forced into the role of a provider too early, survival becomes her default mode, and whether you know it or not, survival doesn’t leave much room for softness.

Over time, she becomes emotionally guarded, hyper-independent, and constantly alert. People praise these traits —yet they slowly disconnect her from her feminine energy.

If you can relate, this post is for you. It's me encouraging you to embrace your femininity because Femininity Is Not Fragility.

Deep down, most women desire softness: they want to be held, spoiled, and safe enough to be playful, tender, and emotionally open with the man they love. A male friend of mine argued this point seriously with me, and said not all women desire softness. Please if you're a woman who doesn't desire softness, and you ever read this, please leave me a comment.

But not all men understand what it truly means to lead a woman emotionally. It's not about control — it’s creating safety, showing up, and having emotional intelligence.

This post isn't about blaming men or parents. Many men create a safe space for their women, and many parents, especially fathers, have provided, and still provide, a soft landing for their daughters.

This post is about clarity, because I feel like femininity has been deeply misunderstood. People often mistake gentleness for weakness, but softness is strength under control.

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PS, I’ve been seeing this word on social media a lot: “cr@sh-out.” People usually use it jokingly to describe emotional outbursts or reactive behavior.

As a former cr@sh-out myself, I’ve learned that true strength lies in calmness. Reacting loudly doesn’t make you powerful. Staying grounded does. No one should have the power to pull you out of character consistently.

As adults, we must take responsibility for our behavior, because while our past may explain us, it shouldn't excuse us. Taking accountability is self-respect, self-love, and self-awareness.

I believe the African women or women regardless of race, that struggle with femininity do so because they never really had anyone to learn it from. Think about the women who raised us. Many of our mothers were called strong women simply because they could endure so much without complaining. They worked tirelessly, raised children, held their marriages together, and barely had time for themselves. They weren’t necessarily happy or emotionally secure, but they had responsibilities, and whether they were tired or not, life had to go on.

They played their roles, raised their children, waited for them to start school, graduate, get a job, get married, and then become grandparents—until life passed them by.

A girl raised in this environment grows up with the mindset that this is what womanhood is all about, until someone decides to break that cycle.

Femininity doesn’t mean losing yourself; it means embracing your true nature and letting yourself be loved for it.

It doesn’t mean weakness, it doesn’t mean dependence.It means emotional regulation, self-awareness, and choosing peace over chaos.

I strongly believe that soft women are not powerless — they are intentional and actually powerful because they're in control of their emotions.

Lastly, femininity is also about unlearning survival when it’s no longer required.

What did femininity look like in the home you grew up in? Let me know in the comments.

Xo, Moxie!



Have you read How My Mornings Became Productive