Friendship Anxiety: Nkechi and Adaora

Dear Intentional Reader, 

It's 7:12 p.m. on October 10. I just started the first draft of this post over tea, but as usual, you’ll be reading the final published version.

You know I had just learned that tea bags are unhealthy because they release billions of microplastics in hot water. So I’m idly thinking about that while sipping my tea and writing this.

I recently had a conversation with one of my acquaintances, and we talked about friendship. To avoid any confusion, I’ll refer to her as “Nkechi”, but this is not her actual name. Ouu, I think I may have accidentally come up with a title for this post.

So Nkechi used to have a friend whom she’d known for about nine years. She said they were close friends and shared almost everything about their lives.

Two months ago, she started noticing something she said she'd never paid attention to before. She started noticing that whenever something good happened to her, her friend would somehow minimize it. Let's call her friend “Adaora”.

Nkechi started noticing that whenever she got something beautiful or nice for herself, Adaora would try to make her feel bad about it.

For example, if she bought a bag, Ada would say, “must be nice to have money to waste.”

If they were out in public and someone complimented her, she'd say, “They don’t even know you.”

If she achieved something she had worked hard for, there was always a joke, a backhanded comment or compliment, or a reminder of something she had failed at before.

However, Nkechi didn’t consider this behavior bad enough to end the friendship. But, she knew she was becoming uncomfortable around Ada, and she couldn’t be herself nor be truly happy when they were together.

She realized that she had started shrinking herself around someone she called a friend. She had stopped sharing good news, stopped talking about her plans, stopped celebrating herself around her. And this wasn’t her trying to be humble; she became that way because being happy around her friend always ended in regrets. It’s like she had to always be on guard so she wouldn’t slip up. 

Last week, Nkechi made up her mind and cut contact with her. She walked away without giving any closure. I’m trying to be relatable by using familiar words. I kinda chuckled when I wrote “closure”, because I don’t think it’s a word I’ve ever used in real life before. 

However, Ada realizing that she had lost access to her, accused her of being proud, and f@ke. 

After telling me the story, she asked me if she did the right thing by staying away. You see, I’m typically careful with questions like this because ninety percent of the time, people will do what they want regardless of your advice. 

So, to her question, I asked her, “How do you feel since you cut this person off? Happier, sad?” 

She said, “Moxie, I feel so much peace now; it’s like a big stone was lifted off my chest.” 

I said, while snapping my fingers, “There you have your answer!”

She went on to say, “Maybe I should have had a conversation with her, and see if she changes.” Here we go, you see why I don't tell people what to do?

“You’re probably right, but I have this belief that adults know what they’re doing. Nevertheless, I could be wrong, so do what keeps your mind at rest", I responded, and changed the subject.

When I got home, I thought about our conversation, imagined the situation and what I would have done if I were her. Well, if you know me, you already know what I’d have done.

Sometimes a relationship becomes tox!c not because someone did something unforgivable. It might just be repeated actions that became an unhealthy pattern. It might be one person realizing that they no longer feel safe to fully be themselves.

Personally, I think constantly having to reduce yourself around someone else is a good enough reason to end that relationship. We do outgrow people, and that’s okay!

I’m curious though: Would you end a long-term friendship over something like this, or would you confront the person and give them another chance?

Xo, Moxie!

Have you read Why People Won’t Give You What You Deserve

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