Before you start reading, pause for a moment and breathe.
Focus on exhaling.
Breathe in.
Hold for six seconds.
Now breathe out.
This post is especially for women — African women in particular. That breathing exercise wasn’t random. It was intentional. It was meant to help you release stress, soften your body, and return to calm.
This piece was inspired by conversations I’ve had with a few female friends, as well as recurring discussions I see online. I’ve heard men — and even women — say that African women are “too hard,” “too aggr#ssive,” or “not feminine enough.”
In many African households, girls are introduced to hustle culture early. Once you reach a certain age, it becomes your responsibility to fend for yourself — and often for your family too.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with independence, ambition, or financial responsibility. But when a female child is forced into the role of provider too early, survival becomes her default mode.
And survival doesn’t leave much room for softness.
Over time, she becomes emotionally guarded, hyper-independent, and constantly alert. These traits are praised — yet they slowly disconnect her from her feminine energy.
They want to be held.
They want to be pampered.
They want to feel safe enough to be playful, tender, and emotionally open with the man they love.
But not all men understand what it truly means to lead a woman emotionally. Leadership isn’t control — it’s creating safety. It’s consistency. It’s emotional intelligence.
It's important to note that this post is not about blaming men, parents, or culture. I mean there are so many men who create a safe space for their women; and so many parents especially fathers who provided a soft landing for their daughters.
It’s about clarity.
Femininity has been deeply misunderstood. Gentleness is often mistaken for weakness, when in truth, softness is strength under control.
From “Cr@sh-Out” to Calm: Choosing Emotional Maturity
There’s a word I’ve been seeing often on social media — “cr@sh-out.” It’s usually used jokingly to describe emotional outbursts or reactive behaviour.
As a former cr@sh-out myself, I’ve learned something important: true strength lies in calmness.
Reacting loudly doesn’t make you powerful. Staying grounded does.
As adults, we must take responsibility for our behaviour. Our past may explain us, but it should not excuse us. Accountability is a form of self-respect.
No one should have the power to consistently pull you out of character.
Why Calm Femininity Wasn’t Modeled for Many African Women
Many African women struggle to embody femininity because it was never modeled for them.
Some of our mothers were praised as “strong women” — women who endured silently, worked endlessly, raised children, carried marriages, and rarely rested. Emotional security wasn’t their reality; resilience was.
They played their roles, raised their children, waited for them to graduate, get married, and then became grandparents — until life quietly passed by.
A girl raised in this environment grows up believing this is what womanhood looks like.
Until someone decides to break the cycle.
Reclaiming Soft Power as an African Woman
Calm femininity doesn’t mean losing yourself but embracing your true nature; and allowing yourself to be loved for it.
It doesn’t mean weakness.
It doesn’t mean dependence.
It means emotional regulation.
It means self-awareness.
It means choosing peace over chaos.
Soft women are not powerless — they are intentional.
In a loud world that constantly demands hardness, choosing calm is revolutionary.
And it starts with unlearning survival where it’s no longer required.
Thank you for reading. What did femininity look like in the home you grew up in?
Focus on exhaling.
Breathe in.
Hold for six seconds.
Now breathe out.
This post is especially for women — African women in particular. That breathing exercise wasn’t random. It was intentional. It was meant to help you release stress, soften your body, and return to calm.
This piece was inspired by conversations I’ve had with a few female friends, as well as recurring discussions I see online. I’ve heard men — and even women — say that African women are “too hard,” “too aggr#ssive,” or “not feminine enough.”
And it made me reflect deeply.
How the African Girl Child Learns Survival Over Softness
From childhood, the African girl child is often unintentionally raised with survival instincts that later show up as masculinity. This may come from an absent father, or a present one who shows little affection. In many homes, emotional expression isn’t encouraged — strength is.
I strongly believe that many of our adult behaviours are formed in childhood. We were taught how to behave, directly or indirectly: through observation, through instructions, or simply through necessity.
We watched our mothers endure.
We watched them hustle.
We watched them suppress emotions to keep families running.
And we learned.
Dating, Emotional Safety, and the Fear of Appearing Weak
This girl child grows up and begins dating. She may find herself with a man who wasn't taught nor learned how to lead emotionally, or one who doesn’t create a safe space for vulnerability. Over time, she learns that softness is risky.
She speaks louder.
She argues harder.
She protects her feelings fiercely — because being gentle has often been punished or misunderstood.
Many women are labeled “unfeminine” not because they lack femininity, but because they were never given the safety required to express it.
Hustle Culture and the Masculinisation of African Women
How the African Girl Child Learns Survival Over Softness
From childhood, the African girl child is often unintentionally raised with survival instincts that later show up as masculinity. This may come from an absent father, or a present one who shows little affection. In many homes, emotional expression isn’t encouraged — strength is.
I strongly believe that many of our adult behaviours are formed in childhood. We were taught how to behave, directly or indirectly: through observation, through instructions, or simply through necessity.
We watched our mothers endure.
We watched them hustle.
We watched them suppress emotions to keep families running.
And we learned.
Dating, Emotional Safety, and the Fear of Appearing Weak
This girl child grows up and begins dating. She may find herself with a man who wasn't taught nor learned how to lead emotionally, or one who doesn’t create a safe space for vulnerability. Over time, she learns that softness is risky.
So she toughens up.
She speaks louder.
She argues harder.
She protects her feelings fiercely — because being gentle has often been punished or misunderstood.
Many women are labeled “unfeminine” not because they lack femininity, but because they were never given the safety required to express it.
Hustle Culture and the Masculinisation of African Women
In many African households, girls are introduced to hustle culture early. Once you reach a certain age, it becomes your responsibility to fend for yourself — and often for your family too.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with independence, ambition, or financial responsibility. But when a female child is forced into the role of provider too early, survival becomes her default mode.
And survival doesn’t leave much room for softness.
Over time, she becomes emotionally guarded, hyper-independent, and constantly alert. These traits are praised — yet they slowly disconnect her from her feminine energy.
Femininity Is Not Fragility
Deep down, most women desire softness.They want to be held.
They want to be pampered.
They want to feel safe enough to be playful, tender, and emotionally open with the man they love.
But not all men understand what it truly means to lead a woman emotionally. Leadership isn’t control — it’s creating safety. It’s consistency. It’s emotional intelligence.
It's important to note that this post is not about blaming men, parents, or culture. I mean there are so many men who create a safe space for their women; and so many parents especially fathers who provided a soft landing for their daughters.
It’s about clarity.
Femininity has been deeply misunderstood. Gentleness is often mistaken for weakness, when in truth, softness is strength under control.
From “Cr@sh-Out” to Calm: Choosing Emotional Maturity
There’s a word I’ve been seeing often on social media — “cr@sh-out.” It’s usually used jokingly to describe emotional outbursts or reactive behaviour.
As a former cr@sh-out myself, I’ve learned something important: true strength lies in calmness.
Reacting loudly doesn’t make you powerful. Staying grounded does.
As adults, we must take responsibility for our behaviour. Our past may explain us, but it should not excuse us. Accountability is a form of self-respect.
No one should have the power to consistently pull you out of character.
Why Calm Femininity Wasn’t Modeled for Many African Women
Many African women struggle to embody femininity because it was never modeled for them.
Some of our mothers were praised as “strong women” — women who endured silently, worked endlessly, raised children, carried marriages, and rarely rested. Emotional security wasn’t their reality; resilience was.
They played their roles, raised their children, waited for them to graduate, get married, and then became grandparents — until life quietly passed by.
A girl raised in this environment grows up believing this is what womanhood looks like.
Until someone decides to break the cycle.
Reclaiming Soft Power as an African Woman
Calm femininity doesn’t mean losing yourself but embracing your true nature; and allowing yourself to be loved for it.
It doesn’t mean weakness.
It doesn’t mean dependence.
It means emotional regulation.
It means self-awareness.
It means choosing peace over chaos.
Soft women are not powerless — they are intentional.
In a loud world that constantly demands hardness, choosing calm is revolutionary.
And it starts with unlearning survival where it’s no longer required.
Thank you for reading. What did femininity look like in the home you grew up in?
Xo,
Moxie!
Have you read The Morning Routine That Tripled My Productivity
This really spoke to me. Growing up, being “strong” was praised more than being soft, and I didn’t even realise how much that shaped the way I show up in relationships. Thank you for putting words to something many African women silently carry.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this, I’m going to be more intentional about resting and receiving without guilt. Calm femininity is something I want to practice daily.
ReplyDeleteThis is such an important conversation, especially for African women. Femininity was never modeled for many of us, only endurance. I love how you explained this without blame, just clarity.
ReplyDelete“What would softness look like if I no longer had to survive?”
ReplyDeleteThat line stayed with me. Thank you for this.
Hmm. Generational patterns explained so clearly here. Our mothers did the best they could, but it’s powerful to realise we get to choose differently
ReplyDelete